The Attachment System

“Before you were conceived, I wanted you.

Before you were born, I loved you.

Before you were here an hour, I would die for you.

This is the miracle of Love.”

Maureen Hawkins

Human beings are fueled by deep biological instincts to care for those we love. This is the essence of the attachment system.

Evolution has created this system as a way of keeping all social mammals — including human beings — together as long as maturation needs to be supported. This attachment system is a set of motivational drives and capacities designed to maintain proximity between trusted loved ones.

From the moment our babies enter this world they are wired up to want to be close to us as caregivers.
They use their senses of smell, hearing, and vision to locate and orient to “momma”. They signal to momma to get their needs met — first by getting a little squirmy, next by vocalizations, and finally by crying. They want to be close. They want to be touched. Their bodies thrive on close physical contact and attuned responses to their needs. It smooths out their nervous systems and relaxes them when they are responded to lovingly, and allows their maturation to proceed unimpeded.

As we humans grow and mature we become able to express our attachment in ever more nuanced ways.
Reflect on the ways lovers do this:

• A gaze and smile across the room that says “You mean the world to me.”
• A rose left on a pillow that says “You are in my heart even when I am a thousand miles away.”
• A silent hug that makes you feel as if you will never be alone again

We find unlimited ways to express to our loved ones that we are connected as a “we.”

In adults who happen to also be parents, our attachment system operates to keep us in close proximity to our children, and to hold them in our hearts and in our minds even while apart.
Our attachment system says in essence, “Your needs are our needs. We are a unit now.” From this place of unity, we can sense and respond to our children before they begin to “act out” to get our attention. It all starts with the capacity to feel into the state of the child. Pay close attention to their cues, and more importantly, pay attention to your body. You can sense when the child is in need of something before they give you the more exaggerated cues we often call misbehavior.

Luckily, when our children’s needs are met this connection between us is often pleasurable.
Hormones such as oxytocin and natural opioids are released in our brains and in our bodies when we are simply hanging out and enjoying each other, and especially when there is physical contact. This is how our attachment system rewards us, keeping us in close proximity so our children can learn from us and experience the pleasures of human relationship.

Take Home: We are all born with an attachment system that keeps the parent and the child focused on each other to support the survival and maturation of the child. The interactions are pleasurable when the needs are met (enjoy them!), and are uncomfortable when a need is still yet unmet. And if we succeed in expressing love and authority as we meet their needs, the effect is deeply relaxing for them and is the source of all true independence and autonomy. (Note:  Their “wants” aren’t always their needs.  More on this in a later post.)

Try: Pay attention to your body the next time you are with your child. Notice how it feels when you are playing, laughing, and touching each other. Contrast this with how your body feels when your infant is crying or your toddler is being defiant or throwing a tantrum. Reflect on the intelligence of the attachment system in both of these scenarios.

Next week we will explore the purpose of this attachment system as it relates to human development.