The Pressures of Modern-Day Parenting

Last week I stated that the two biggest challenges I see for parents these days are:
1. Not focusing simply on our children’s behavior, but understanding the context of the situation and the brain/mind-states of the child underlying their behavior
2. Reclaiming our natural intuition when it comes to parenting

Let’s start by looking at some of the pressures that our generation is facing when it comes to parenting and how these pressures can disconnect us from a well of deeper wisdom in caring for our little ones. Here are a few of the difficulties that we face:

1. A lack of familial support and the “transmission” of wisdom.
The nuclear family has left modern-day parents without the support of the extended family. The work of child-rearing used to be spread out amongst various members of the community, offering occasional respite for the parents. In addition, new parents could learn many things from the more experienced members of the family and ideally receive “transmissions” from the elders. This kind of support is largely lacking in our culture today.

2. A culture and society that is oriented toward economic growth and materialism rather than supporting families and the capacity for relationship.
There are 163 countries in the world who guarantee paid leave for mothers caring for newborns — The United States of America is not one of them. Despite the fact that a secure attachment to the primary care-giver is probably the most important factor in the overall health of an individual, and the society comprised of those individuals, our country does not support parents who want to be with their infants during the most influential developmental period of their lives. Instead, many families are forced to hand their babies over to day care providers or nanny’s just to keep up with the financial demands of our incredibly maligned culture.

3. A “revved-up” culture that pulls us along at breakneck speed.
Our culture, in case you have not noticed, is moving 90-miles-an-hour at all times. The stress that this causes has all kinds of well-documented detrimental effects on our bodies, our minds, and our relationships. In a near constant state of increased vigilance and activity we become much more reactive in dealing with the demands of family life, rather than the more responsive and intuitive modes we are capable of when we slow down and gather ourselves in the present moment. (There will be a whole article on these three modes of being — reactive, responsive, and intuitive — and how we can work with them consciously, coming soon.)

4. Rapidly changing science and an endless stream of information.
We all want what is best for our kids and so we try to keep up with the latest science and information about how to best support them. But there is an endless stream of data pouring through the web that we can’t possibly keep up with. Couple this with anxiety about “wanting to get it right” and you have a very powerful force that keeps us separated from our natural capacity to read our children’s needs and respond appropriately. Information can be very helpful, but relationship is ultimately not a logical equation to be figured out in the head.

5. An increase in self-awareness that can lead to fears about “screwing up my kid.”
Our generation — at least those in our generation who would have any interest in a blog like this — is very self-aware compared to past generations. Many of us have learned much about how the mis-attunements in our relationship with our parents have lead to various psycho-emotional and relational difficulties in our lives. One of the downsides to this self-awareness is that it can make us anxious about how we might “screw up my kid.” Knowing how painful difficulties with our parents can be, and experiencing how difficult it is to stay “perfectly” attuned and responsive 24/7 with all of the demands we are juggling can certainly add to the stress we experience as a parent. This takes us away from our relaxed state of basic trust and pushes us once again toward the reactive mode.

Take home: There are many forces that push our minds and brains toward states of reactivity rather than more open and integrated states of responsiveness and intuition. Acknowledging these difficulties and becoming aware of the ways that we are challenged by them is a good place to start.

Try: Reflect on your own life: What are the factors that contribute to you becoming more anxious and reactive in life? Do you feel you need more support from family, friends, or neighbors? Are you being whisked along by our hyperactive culture in a way that does not serve you and your children? Do you feel a pressure to keep up with all the latest information on child development? Is an increase in self-awareness leading to anxiety about “getting it right” with your kids? What else are you aware of that pressures you toward stress and reactivity? Talk with your partner or a friend about what you have discovered. No need to change anything right now. Awareness and acceptance are always powerful first steps.

Please share any observations you have in the comments section below. My list is undoubtedly incomplete, so please help me by adding the challenges that you see to parenting in this day and age.

Next week I will elaborate further on the three basic modes that underlie all of our behavior and actions in life.

Click here for an insightful video clip of Gordon Neufeld expanding on the issues making parenting more difficult today.