It is Our State of Consciousness that Matters Most

A wise mother knows: It is her state of consciousness that matters.

Her gentleness and clarity command respect. Her love creates security.

Vimala McClure, The Tao of Motherhood

One of the greatest things about child development is that it has a momentum and intelligence that is all its own. This dynamic intelligence, or “optimizing force” as Hameed Ali of the Diamond Approach likes to call it, requires certain forms of nourishment along the way for it to progressively organize the child into an ever-increasingly complex human being. Think about it: Did you put your child together physically, organizing all of the molecules into a nice arrangement of cells and tissues and organs? Did you teach your child to smile at you when she was happy, or become fussy when she had a need that wasn’t met? Did you teach her to crawl? To walk? To think? To feel another person’s emotions? All of these capacities are progressive degrees of organization created by the optimizing force — the energy and intelligence of Life itself — and this process is ultimately aimed at your child’s full potential.

So our job as parents is to provide the proper nourishment for our children and not restrict this natural process of maturation. From my observations of children and their caregivers over the years, it seems that there are two main ways that we as parents can limit the growth potential of our children. The first is by having limited insight into this process of maturation that our children are going through and instead focusing only on their behavior. (The various kinds of limitations of insight will be the topic of next week’s article.) The second and perhaps more important factor has to do with our state of consciousness, or way of being, in any given moment.

Wendy Palmer, a 6th degree black belt in Aikido and creator and teacher of Conscious Embodiment, says “The best gift we can give someone is to get ourselves together.” I couldn’t agree more, especially when it comes to our children. I find it helpful to view this process of “getting ourselves together” in terms of states of consciousness. We can think of humans as existing in one of three general modes in any given moment: reactive, responsive, and intuitive.

In the reactive mode we find ourselves feeling “out of sorts.” We are tired, stressed out, or angry. The world around us feels wrong and needs fixing. We can be righteous about what is right and wrong and become aggressive with others trying to get things to go our way. We are mostly focused on ourselves when we are in the reactive mode, and what is really “wrong” (and what we are trying to fix) is how we are feeling. In this mode, it is all about “me” wanting to feel better.

When we can get ourselves together a little bit and move into the responsive mode, we can begin to understand the perspective and needs of others. We can hold our child’s perspective in our “mind’s eye” while staying in contact with our own feelings, desires, and understanding. From this wider vista, we can consciously choose the appropriate steps towards a solution. We are not exclusively self-concerned any more, but are now working as a larger integrated system with our child and behaving in a collaborative way. In this mode we do not seek to “fix” our child or anyone else, but rather work with the way things are toward our more long-term goals of harmony within the family and supporting our child’s overall maturation.

And finally, we also have the potential to parent from the intuitive mode.

Have you ever felt completely open and loving, full of aliveness, curiosity, and gratitude to the point that the events of the outside world could not rattle you? Felt that your child could be very upset with you for not giving them another cookie that they so desperately wanted, throwing a little tantrum on the kitchen floor, but you remained open and unshaken by their own reactive display? You squat beside them, fully feeling into their frustration born of intense desire, yet also feeling the stability, clarity, and love that infuses you in this moment. You may be aware that the entire room is suffused with an intense presence that is holding both of you in this incredibly common, yet potentially challenging exchange. You keep quiet for a while, allowing the space for your child’s emotions to flow and find their way downstream. Without thinking, you instinctively place a hand on their back and say, “I know my love.” More space……quiet……and the sniffling of tears. Finally, in their own time, they lean into you for a fuller embrace. With their body pressed into yours you feel the fullness and vulnerability of your hearts flowing into each other. You feel the presence in the room all around you, thick and penetrating, the Great Mother holding both of you as you are changed ever so subtly in this simple exchange. This is the intelligence of the universe operating through you for the benefit of all. This is the flow of life while in the intuitive mode.

It will, of course, look different every time. It is not some set of actions that is premeditated, not some formula that can be applied to maximize your “return on investment.” It is a state of consciousness that is born of our intentionality, a loving discipline, and ultimately grace. In the intuitive mode we naturally and intelligently care for those we love. Life becomes more pleasurable and nourishing. It no longer feels like a constant barrage of things to do. We feel carried along by a flow of easeful and authentic expression that is inherently energizing and rejuvenating. And from this open and loving way of being, not only does our children’s maturation proceed unimpeded — so too does our own. Temporarily freed from our restrictive patterns, the optimizing force continues its work and seasons us with wisdom.

One of the primary goals of Essential Parenting is to help parents spend less time in the reactive mode, and more time in the responsive and intuitive modes of being.

Check out The Essential Parenting Home Course which has over a dozen practices that will help you “keep your cool” when things are getting tough.

Blessings to you and your family,

Chris