The Power of Insight

When we are “feeling ourselves,” when our bodies and minds are relaxed and open, we intuitively know how to be with our children in a way that is loving and supportive. From this state of higher integration, we have access to all that we have learned about people: their inner world of motivations, emotions, reactions, and how they are best supported to grow and mature. We can then use these insights to interact with our children in a way that not only teaches them about appropriate behavior in different environments (which is important and necessary), but also takes into account their long-term development as we decide how best to help them harmonize their authenticity with the people around them. If we have not yet learned about the various stages of human development and the challenges of the various stages, or we have a limited understanding of human emotions and the nature of reactivity, our limited insight may translate into interactions with our children that hinder our efforts to help them harmonize, both within and without. As long as we are feeling good and are relatively integrated (the responsive or intuitive modes) it is our level of insight that becomes the limiting factor to our child’s development.

As parents, we are called to sharpen our insight into reality if we want to help our children mature easefully. If we rise to the challenge, we continue to support our own process of maturation as well.

At present, I see three broad types of insight that are useful to our parenting:

1. Conceptual insights — understanding how attachment supports the maturation of the mind and brain, and learning about various stages of maturation can help us interact with our children in ways that support, rather than thwart their development towards maturity.
2. Mindsight — This is a term borrowed from Dan Siegel that describes the capacities of self-insight and empathy, or an “in-the-moment, felt-sense” of what our child is feeling, desiring, and thinking. (Dan uses mindsight more broadly than I do here. See this short video where Dan describes mindsight.) This kind of insight is what allows us to be attuned moment-to-moment in a very natural and intuitive way.
3. Essential-sight— When we step back from all of the micro-dramas that occur every day and look at the reality of “The Big Picture,” we instantly begin to see more clearly, feel more connected, and act in harmony with Life itself. With essential-sight in the foreground, our minds and bodies relax back into a state of basic trust and inherent value, and our relationships become deeply fulfilling. (Click here for a previous post on “The Big Picture.”)

Take Home: As conscious parents, we can choose to continue deepening our insights into the human condition. This is part of our “curriculum” as parents. Nothing implores us to mature more than the precious, budding potential of our child. Let us take this opportunity to deepen our insights into our own consciousness, and into the underlying consciousness of Life itself.

Try: The next time you are with your child just sit back and watch them for a few minutes. Mentally note to yourself what you perceive about their inner workings. When Lucy is examining the shape of her block, turning it and trying to put it in the hole, what do you sense about her state of consciousness in this moment? Is she focused or distracted? Curious or blase’? What is she desiring — or organizing around — in this moment? Is there any layer of reactivity that is added to her initial state: does she become frustrated, excited, or steadily determined in her attempts as time goes on? If you have an older child, do you sense that they are holding on to a particular belief about themselves and the world, a belief that may be more to do with the emotional state that has been precipitated rather than a broader truth about reality.

For most of us, our minds naturally register these things all the time. But it can be helpful to make these often sub-conscious insights conscious and explicit. In doing so, we can counter our more automatic judgments about behavior with our deeper insights into the nature of how certain behaviors come to be in the first place. As we practice, we are exercising this “muscle” and will deepen our capacity for insight over time.

Click here for one article on Nonviolent Communication’s approach to using insight into unmet desires as a way of creating harmony in our families and within ourselves.
For deep insights into the human condition that are more focused on adult relationships, check out Undefended Love’s approach to intimacy.