The Tension of Being “On”

Last week I posted a poem by William Martin — Empty Yourself of Worries. I love how poems and stories really cut to the heart of the matter. There is so much power and truth in their simplicity and they tend to by-pass the thinking/analyzing/worrying mind. For our relationships and sense of fulfillment in life, this is a good thing.

The area of exploration this week is how relaxed can we be in our parenting and still get the job done? Have you ever noticed the degree of tension that can build up in your body-mind just trying to get out of the house for a trip to the park?

“OK…I have got his sippy-cup, the diaper bag…is it stocked with — Kai! No-no buddy, not without your shoes…It’s wet out there. Let’s put on your shoes first.”

The dogs come tromping in, tracking mud across the floor.
“Hey!!! Hold up girls…let me wipe your feet. (Damn it.)”  As I am wiping their feet, Kai slips out the door on to the wet ground getting his last pair of clean socks wet and dirty. (Big sigh…………..)

Another few minutes of fumbling with putting his wet feet into shoes, double checking the diaper bag, putting on my own shoes, turning off all the lights (must be a good environmentally conscious dad ya-know), and out the door we go.
But of course, after he is all strapped into the car seat and I finally get situated in the drivers seat and take that one deep breath that brings me back somewhere close to my body and the present moment…………….crap…………… “I didn’t feed the dogs.”

And this is how it goes these days. This is the new level at which we have to be “on.” There is so much to think about and plan for. There are so many stresses and strains being shouted at us from our physical body. There is a constant tracking system reporting in:
“Yeah zero-niner we got him in our sights. He is in a relatively safe space right now, just hangin’ with the doggies and…Hold on……Nope, looks like he is B-lining straight for the water bowl! Intercept, INTERCEPT!!!”

So that is the truth of our situation — the undeniable reality we face.

Or is it?

I often wonder how much tension is actually needed to get the job done. I can see that my ego — the fear-based part of me — feels that it needs “all hands on deck” and to be constantly planning for all possible contingencies. But is this the way it has to be?

One of the greatest things I learned in yoga is that my body tends to tighten many more muscles than are necessary in a given pose. Once the alignment is achieved and I know I am not going to fall down, I begin the process of relaxing all unnecessary muscles and effort and use the exhale to sink deeper into the posture. It’s the relaxation that opens my body; not the effort. As I do this, pleasure begins to course through my body-mind. I feel the way that my bones, ligaments, tendons, and the earth are all there to support my deep relaxation into this moment of my life. The intelligence of my proprioceptive and vestibular systems coordinate most of the balance outside of my awareness. The less I interfere and try to take control of the situation the more easeful and smooth it all goes, and the more I remember to just breath. When I come off of the mat at the end of class it is not simply an open body I am left with, but a profound peace and deep trust in the intelligence and flow of Life.

So the question becomes — How relaxed can I be and still keep my child safe? How spacious can I allow my mind to be and still get to the park with an extra diaper, wipes, and a paci? Which layers of tension can I let go of right now and still get the job done?

The answer to this question will be different for each of you; it is a truth that is your’s to discover. And it will change over time. Over the years my capacity to use my breath and focused attention to relax deeply even while I participate in a meeting, take care of a sick newborn, or get Kai and I to the park with all our gear has deepened. The key is that you have to practice relaxation on a regular basis or the brain circuits of worry and stress will predominate and be the default mode in your life.

Take Home: We may be adding stress to our lives and our relational field with our families unnecessarily. How relaxed can you be while packing a diaper bag, putting on shoes, and driving toward that phat, delicious mocha?

Try: Right now, try using your breath to help you soften into the moment. Take a deep inhale as you are reading this, and as you exhale dissolve outwards in all directions like butter melting on a hot skillet. Repeat this two more times on your own.

Are you still able to read? Does the moment feel different in any way? How?

Try using this kind of imaginal breath the next time you are doing a mundane task with your child. As you are packing the diaper bag, take a deep inhale into your belly and chest. On the exhale, dissolve out in all directions. At the end of the exhale, make a quiet note of where your child is and if he/she is safe. If all is well, return to your packing and use the breath again, all the way out the door and on into your day.

Remember: The brain changes itself according to how we use it. State changes repeated over time become traits, or new ways of being. Neuroplasticity is the basis for the change we see in ourselves when we start living in a different way.

Click here for a list of practices that can help deepen the peace of your home.

Click here for a video of Dr. Dan Siegel explaining how the brain changes itself with focused attention and practice.