States of Mind

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through.

Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and

remain in it. This is a kind of death.

Anais Nin

Last week I wrote about the forms of attachment. One point I tried to stress was that these categories of relationship are rooted in mental processes going on inside the child and caretaker and are not necessarily permanent traits of either person involved. If this were not true, people with difficult attachment histories would not be able to heal themselves and engage in “secure-style” relationships later on in life. But people do heal. Supported by an internal drive toward ever increasing complexity and wholeness, we can establish new relationships across the life-span that are based on attunement and mutual respect. In this way, we can heal defensive patterns in the mind and get on with the business of becoming fully ourselves. Let’s step back for a minute and define what we mean by the “mind,” and then take a look at how this relates to processes in the brain and our interpersonal interactions.

Dan Siegel defines the mind as an embodied and relational process that regulates the flow of energy and information. Energy enters our body in different forms — light waves through our eyes, sound waves through our ears, and pressure on our skin — and this energy becomes converted to currents running through our neurons in our nervous system and brain. Somehow — and nobody knows how at this point — this energy gets converted to information. So instead of feeling currents running through our brain we see a tree, hear a bird, or feel the soothing touch of a loved one. The same process happens with energy that is generated inside of our bodies and brains. Energy is generated and mobilized and we feel our stomachs growl, we experience sadness, or have a thought that “crosses our mind.” So the brain can be thought of as the three-pound physical organ in our heads that transports the flow of energy generated within and received from without. The mind then does two things:
1. Perceives this energy as information
2. Directs the flow of this energy/information primarily for the sake of regulation

Regulation is the process by which we monitor and change the energy/information flowing through our brains, bodies, and minds — or body-mind for short. If we feel cold, we can signal to our bodies to get up and go turn on the heat. If we are feeling stressed from a difficult interaction at work, we can take a few breaths at our desk, evoke feelings of compassion, and “calm down.” If we are feeling tired and need to write a paper, we can splash cold water on our faces, get a cup of coffee, or take a nap. These are all examples of self-regulation. So our minds are this process of regulation.

The other part of the definition of mind is that it is embodied and relational. A better way to put it is that the mind is not some isolated thing located inside the head. It is an open, dynamical system that is totally interconnected with the processes of the body and the world around us. And our minds are particularly interconnected with the minds of other people. Let’s now turn our attention to how the mind functions as a complex system.

Complexity theory tells us that open, complex systems — like the mind/brain — are self-organizing and tend to move toward increasing complexity over time, or tend towards integration. Integration simply means linking together the differentiated elements of a system. But Complexity theory also states that in open, dynamic systems like the mind there are recursive features — or patterns — that tend to keep the energy organized in a particular way and resist any new state from emerging. These two aspects of the mind are the processes underlying maturation and resistance respectfully, that I have been referring to. In addition, complex systems can also become chaotic as unpredictable changes in the system lead to large, chaotic swings in the flow of energy.

So now that your head is spinning and you are about move on to a more digestible chunk of writing — a Brittany Spears “tweet” perhaps — let me show you how this scientific description of the mind shows up in real life.

Hanging out with Kai at the house on a rainy day, my mind is ease-fully regulating the processes in my body, my emotions, and facilitating smooth interactions with my adorable son. At this point, my mind is well-integrated and my experience is one of well-being. My interactions with Kai are attuned and mutually enjoyable. Our systems are resonating together and we are reaping the benefits of a simple togetherness. I also feel a certain aliveness: my senses are open, I am in the present moment, and I feel a graceful and easy flow.

Later in the morning, still cooped-up from the rain, I am starting to feel more and more tension in my body. Little things are irritating me, like food on the floor and on the backs of my dogs (they love to stand under that high-chair when he eats), and toys strung all over the house. I can feel an old pattern in me that is 100% committed to “the wrongness” of a messy house. I am more clamped down, less interactive with Kai, and am certainly feeling little-to-no flow. I have entered a state of rigidity and suppression — likely due to the activation of an old pattern stored in my neural circuits — and it’s affecting the functioning and experience of my body-mind. And then another pattern emerges; a more chaotic one.

The dogs, forever under my feet, trip me up and I bark — “Get the hell out of here!……………….Jeeeeeesuuus.” (I used to think my mom was crazy when she would shout those same words. Now I understand a whole lot more about that.) Right then, the phone rings. I start searching around the house for the phone, darting from this room to that, and grab it just before the message line kicks in — “Hello……..  heelllOOO……………..” And then I see Kai out of the corner of my eye, pulling his hands out of the chest where the phone base is: he just played one of his favorite games — paging the phone. Now if my mind was in a more integrated state, this would be pretty funny. But not when the dynamics are swinging over into the chaotic range! With frustration bubbling up, I step out into the cool rain, close the door behind me and begin my practice of re-regulation.

Anyone else out there had a similar experience?

I find it helpful to know that these are just the normal dynamics of any complex system. The weather is always changing, always re-organizing itself. Storms come and go. But human minds are different than other complex systems in that we can consciously contribute constraints to the system and help regulate the flow of energy/information in intentional ways. Most of the regulatory processes of the mind go on outside of our conscious awareness, but occasionally a “need” — represented by feelings of dys-regulation — breaks into our conscious awareness where we can choose how to re-regulate. This is where we — you and I — can take parenting to the next level. It is our state of consciousness that matters most when it comes to supporting the developing mind and brain of our children. Using mindsight — the capacity to consciously experience the flow of energy/information in our own minds and the minds of others — and practices that promote self-regulation, we can minimize (though never eliminate) discharging old patterns of tension onto our children.

The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most

fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain

ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to

look at ourselves honestly and gently.

Pema Chödrön

Take Home: Our minds are complex systems that are forever trying to move toward greater complexity. This is the major mechanism through which Life works to mature us, thereby helping us to develop and offer our unique gifts to our children and the world. Simultaneously, patterns in the mind have formed — from necessary acts of self-protection — and try to keep us regulated in ways that are less integrated and less complex than we are capable of. Part of our job as conscious parents is to become aware of the dynamics of these patterns, and to take the necessary time and attention to heal them. Additionally, if we use our mindsight and engage in practices that increase our capacity for self-regulation, we can minimize the creation of these defensive patterns in the minds of our children, and model for them instead openness, love, and equanimity.

Try: Reflect on the ways that your mind becomes rigid or chaotic. Does it happen in certain environments more than others? More with certain kinds of interactions with people? Does the state of your body — it’s health, it’s rested-ness, it’s openness — play a factor? How about the health of your relationship with your partner? Do you find it easier to stay integrated when you feel close and connected to your partner? Or perhaps you are needing more space right now to re-integrate?

Take some time to sit down with a friend, or write in a journal, and explore these questions. After increasing your understanding of the dynamics at play in your own mind, consider acting on that understanding in a way that is helpful to you, your child, and your whole family. That might involve requesting to be alone for a full day each month. Or maybe an overnight with only your partner somewhere so you can re-connect. Seeing a therapist or a coach to dig deeper into some of your reactive patterns might be of use, or possibly start a practice that you know would move you towards greater well-being and magnify the flow of love within your family.

I would like to thank Dr. Daniel Siegel for bringing these insights into my life. For a short video on mindsight, click here.
(Please not that I use mindsight more narrowly than Dan. I am using the term to convey the awareness of the internal world of experience, and then I use the term regulation to describe the ways we can use mindsight to then alter the flow on energy/information through our systems and the systems of those around us.)