The 5 Essential Elements of Relational Nourishment

“The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence.

When mindfulness embraces those we love, they

will bloom like flowers.”

Thich Nhat Hanh

Last week I summarized Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s understanding of how children mature in this way: The key to raising children is to be in right relationship with them, help them preserve their soft hearts, and then nature will do the beautiful work of maturing them into their full potential.

Many people in North America have become quite cynical and do not believe that right relationship and the preservation of soft hearts will be enough to socialize children and ready them for the incredibly complex world we live in. In the next few posts I will describe what a “right relationship” might look like and clarify how security leads to maturity, the easeful expression of social graces, and the greatest chance at navigating the complexities of the 21st century.

The first thing that we need to remember is that the drive to be connected to the ones we love is the pre-eminent drive in the human psyche and we each have within us an alarm system that signals when that connection feels threatened. Right relationship, at its essence, is a clear and consistent communication to our child:

There is nothing in this world that can separate you from me. I will take the lead in caring for you, protecting you, guiding you, and making you feel like the blessed gift you are to me and our entire family.

When we are in right relationship with our children they maintain their contact with their basic trust in the universe and the inherent value that resides at the core of every  human heart.

As I currently see it, there are five essential elements of relational nourishment for our children:

1. Unconditional Love
2. Space
3. Healthy Boundaries
4. Mentorship
5. Mistakes

Unconditional Love
There is nothing more nourishing to the developing psyche than the field of unconditional love. When our mere presence lights up the eyes and hearts of those we love, the very best in us comes out. Our inner radiance shines forth and we become both “enlightened” and “enlightening” at once. Our movements become graceful and our kindness simply natural. Our discipline becomes relationship itself.

Space
When we are provided the protection we need to feel safe, our bodies and minds flourish. When we are given the room for our interests and creativity to arise from within, we emerge spontaneously. When given permission to sit in silence — without restlessness or interference  — we may find the ground of our being to be presence itself.

When we as parents feel and express unconditional love, when we provide and become the spaciousness our children need, then they can feel the delight and freedom in both being and becoming fully themselves.

Healthy Limits
Nature has commissioned us as parents to help guide our children. For decades, we have trained in the ways of this world and are now ready to help our children find their way. Our role with regard to healthy limits is two fold. The first charge is to keep them safe from serious harm and guide them towards healthy living of all kinds (food, sleep, relationships, information, media, etc.). As Frank Marrero likes to say, “I can see cars that you can’t see.”

Our second task involving healthy limits is to prime and support our children’s capacity for adaptation in the face of adversity. We all face limits in life — our own limitations in capacity and functioning, limits placed on us by other people and society, and things we can not control such as pain and loss — and it becomes essential that we learn to find our tears and be changed by the things that we cannot change in life. In finding our feelings of disappointment, in fully feeling the tears of futility, a well of resilience and resourcefulness is born in us and our hearts retain their natural capacities of acceptance, compassion, loving kindness, and equanimity.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.”

The Serenity Prayer

When we as parents remain in the lead, when we assume our natural position in the order of things as momma or poppa-bear, our children can relax into the dependent mode. From this place of healthy and intelligent dependency, they can feel safe — safe enough to cry and preserve the natural well-spring of the invincible human heart.

Mentorship
When a person recognizes and speaks directly to our deepest inner potential, the genius in us is awakened. This may involve the cultivation of more generalized capacities such as steadfastness, clarity of vision, and courage in our quest towards mastery. But always at it’s core , mentorship is the illumination of what is totally unique and divine in us and the marriage of our ordinary consciousness with our inner daimon’s relentless desire for expression. When our genius is matched to the world’s deep hunger, a true sense of purpose is born.

As parents, we will often find ourselves at the crossroads between the practical and the sacred. Many times our courage will wane and we will seek to protect our children above all else. In these times, our children will need other mentors. But as much as possible, we should relax our vision and allow the gifts of our children to come into focus and be the true north star that leads them home.

Mistakes
When we go through ruptures and repairs with our loved ones, we develop resilience and are taught how the mature amongst us always choose love in the end. In a more general and mysterious way, the difficulties we suffer through in life often ripen into the sweetest fruit. Like sand in the oyster, the pearl of our life develops out of true grit and irritation. In an imperfect world, it is the intelligent response of the heart that teaches us the folly of perfectionism.

“Your exact errors make a music that nobody hears.”
Rumi

If we shelve our perfectionistic tendencies for a more authentic tussle with the true messiness of life, our parenting can become an embodiment of confidence in the larger intelligence at work. Privately we become the dependent member in a relationship with Life itself, relaxing into its loving guidance toward a wholeness beyond perfectionism.

Take Home: If we can remain humble and keep focused on providing the relational nourishment that Life needs to do its job, our children will find their way into their fullness with time. The elegance of this design is that we too are simultaneously being “grown up” and life has given us the sheer pleasure of intimacy and right relationship to steer by.

Try: Look over this list of “relational nourishment” and reflect on your own provision. What elements do you provide ease-fully to your son or daughter? Which are more of a challenge for you? Simply become aware of what is so for you at this current stage of life. Share your observations with your partner or a friend, or alternatively write them down in a journal. If you find frustration, disappointment, or sadness — let it really sink in. Your courageous honesty and un-defendedness will create room for the arrival of grace.

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