Just Hanging Tough

“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.”

Mother Teresa

The other day I woke up in one of those moods. You know what I am talking about?

“Just leave me alone. This is wrong…That is off…What is this doing here? Can’t a man get a little time to himself for once?!”

The good news is that at this point in my life I know that it is not the outer-stuff that is the problem; the “problems” are being generated by my internal state. The bad news — it still sucks!

I hate feeling this way. I feel like I should be grateful to be home with my family, that I should be enjoying the ordinary moments of simply hanging out and celebrating this one precious life we have together. But guess what — F**K gratitude! I feel like I have porcupine quills stuck all over my body and am burning up from the inside. And now my wife wants to turn on the heat because she is chilled?!?

And then I hear my inner critic say, “Hey Mr. spiritual parenting blog -man, maybe this is a good time to do some of those mindfulness practices?”

[If I could locate him I would throttle his neck right now.]

On top of all that, it’s my morning to be with Kai.

[Do you ever notice how the days when you can least handle it are exactly when your child decides now is the time to really muck with you??? Hitting the dogs, putting things in his mouth that he shouldn't, knocking over this and that and all with one eye on me and a smirk that tells me he is just trying to get a rise out of me....]

“That’s it – we are going outside.”

“But it is freezing and rainy out,” protests my wife.

“I don’t care… Come on Kai, we are goin’ to the park,” I defiantly push forward.

In the car ride to town, I finally start showing myself a little kindness. I begin by following my breath and sensing my body more closely. “All right, what is here in my experience right now?”

Prickliness…….frustration……feelings of aloneness…….A sense that “I can’t do this. I won’t make it.”
Basically, I am uncomfortable and afraid.

But somehow I have to keep showing up for my son, to not completely “lose it.” Part of me continues trying to stay present, while another part goes full steam for distraction and numbing out. A warm drink, a buttery croissant with ham and cheese, and that fat couch at the coffee-shop. Yeah, that will do it: a family-man’s heroin. But then the truth hit’s me in the chest with a thud: There is no where to run to. You must simply be with this storm as long as it lasts. Damn it. Sometimes I hate all this conscious BS!

Continuing to hang tough, in and out of contact with these feelings, Kai and I make our way over to the park. Yeah it’s drizzling a little, not much above 40 degrees, and we are the only ones at the park, but this is where we both want to be right now (Right Kai?). Before we even open the gate, Kai says he wants to swing. I think it is an instinctual move toward smoothing out the tension. Nice call buddy. I take the opportunity to work in some chi generation, swinging my arms rhythmically and timing their down-swing to continue pushing him. I just need to get this energy moving a little bit.

Swing-up…swing-down…swing-up…and push-down….Swing-up…swing-down…swing-up…and push-down…..

I open the bottoms of my feet, unlock my knees and my hips, and let the arm-swinging massage all my joints. I recall the basic instructions to move my attention to the breath once I have got the rhythm of the movements. And once I can follow both movements and my breath at the same time, I open my awareness out to the spaciousness all around me. MBA…movement, breath, and awareness. All the while Kai swings contentedly, looking up at the sky and the trees and occasionally smiling at me; a nicely titrated moment of parallel play.

Within about 30 seconds of mindful chi-swinging, my heart begins to lighten. My body feels open in place of caged, and I can feel the spacious sky all around us. Kai’s gaze meets mine and we both start laughing out loud. His laughter turns to full-body giggles and my eyes water as I laugh harder with him, tension finding its way out like water running down-stream. Kai seems to feel and embody this mutually shared state-shift seamlessly. I feel a cool, minty, almost menthol sensation come up from my chest and float across my face — the feeling that often accompanies me when the difficulties break. It feels like acceptance, compassion, and a tender vulnerability all rolled into one. I let myself soak in this particular flavor of experience as I continue to swing my arms and play with Kai for a few precious moments in the rain. It feels so cleansing.

“All done daddy,” he says.

I pull him up out of the swing and land him on my chest. He sinks into me like he used to when he was an infant, resting his head on my shoulder. I breathe deeply with him, tearing up again. I could die right here, right now, totally complete. Sometimes life is really hard. And just as often, it is unbelievably sweet.

I give thanks to the great One who has made it so, who has decided that I can handle all this life has to offer, and who is waking me up — bit by bit — to the tender and invincible ground of my Being.

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Have you listened to Week 1 of the Home Course yet?