Discipline as Brain Food

In the lasts two posts I proposed:

1. Discipline is best thought of as a long term project that results in self-motivated, self-directed kids capable of respectful and responsible behaviors.
2. The development of discipline occurs optimally when we meet our kids needs – physical, relational, and maturational needs.
3. We meet their needs most effectively when we arrange as a loving hierarchy.

Why would this be the case?

Dr. Nils Bergman’s model of Attachment and brain development

The brain grows optimally when the parasympathetic nervous system is turned on.
The parasympathetic nervous system is turned on when our needs are met. When we have a belly full of food, when we are feeling safe and cozy in our mother’s arms, and when we know our parents are confidently in the lead and are looking out for our best interests. When a loving alpha meets our needs, we grow and develop most optimally.

Part of optimal brain growth is to preserve the openness of the emotional system.
Dan Siegel talks about the importance of the brain becoming integrated to preserve mental health, well being, and to reach maturity. The emotional system — located primarily in the limbic brain — is one of the great integrative regions of our nervous system. When we punish, scare, ignore, or shame our kids emotional expressions, defensive processes occur in the mind that begin to limit the integrative capacity of emotion.

True discipline requires an intact emotional system.
There are some versions of disciplining a child that lead to the suppression and repression of their desires and emotions. This pushes these forces into the “shadows” of the psyche where they wreak havoc on our bodies, our minds, and periodically erupt in very inappropriate behaviors. Connecting with kids, validating their feelings and desires, and working with them towards appropriate expressions of those feelings is essential to the development of discipline.

Discipline develops efficiently in letting our kids “do it themselves,” succeed, and fail.
Once the physical and relational needs of our kids are met, their brains will often kick into the drive for autonomy. This maturational need is expressed by them becoming self-motivated and self-directed and often “not wanting our help.” These are times to give the child room to mix it up with life and learn the lessons directly from their successes and their failures. Our loving alpha is expressed as holding ourselves back from trying to prevent all hurts, being available for support if asked, and providing a safe place to cry if that is ultimately needed.

Discipline also requires limits to promote development of the pre-frontal cortex.
As important as it is to recognize and allow space for our kids own desires and emotions to play out, there will also be times when limits are necessary. Healthy limits and guidance are actually nourishment for the developing brain. Sometimes the nourishment exercises the developing “muscle” of the pre-frontal cortex, calling on the development of

• impulse control
• consideration the feelings of other people
• recognition of the impact of our actions
• focus and perseverance toward a long-term goal

Limits also nourish the developing brain by preserving a resilient emotional system.
Plain and simple: limits help us to remain adaptable and resilient. Gordon Neufeld describes the adapative process as the ability to be changed by that which we can not change. When parents set limits in a clear and firm way, the child’s brain can switch out of the more “upshift” mode of trying to effect change in the outer world, into the more “downshift” mode of sinking into vulnerable feelings like disappointment, sadness, and loss. As a loving alpha, we will naturally shift into a “loving arms” mode and become a safe place for them to cry. When you see a child who can go through cycles of vulnerability and emerge out the other side more resilient than before, you can be sure you are looking at a healthy brain.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief… and of unspeakable love.”

Washington Irving

Take Home: Our kids’ brains develop optimally when we take the lead in providing their needs. Sensitive attunement to their shifting needs — for safety, emotional expression, autonomy and competence, and adaptability — is required to provide Life with the necessary nourishment to do its job: growing our kids up into self-motivated, self-directed, respectful and responsible beings.

Learn more by listening 

to this FREE 1 hr talk

on Loving Discipline

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