Heartbroken
Tonight my heart is heavy. I listened into the phone in pain as my wife told me how my son cried tonight — his back turned to her as they lay in bed together — sobbing, three and a half, but fully heartbroken. He had to say goodbye (again) to his best friend and caregiver, Gina. This young woman has always given him her full and undivided attention and adoration. They laugh and play and cuddle every minute of their five-hour stretches together. If it weren’t for their obvious age difference, you would think they are lovers. And they are. I have never been so pained by the heartbreak of another person. When my wife relayed the story of their final minutes together and Kai’s sobbing in bed, I instantly teared up and began to double over. I wanted desperately to go home and hold him. But I knew that I would not be able to do much. Heartbreak is a lonely affair, even with loved-ones around. The thing is that both Kari and...
Read moreThe Yin and Yang of Discipline
Have you ever felt confused by the seemingly contradictory advice from “parenting experts?” You are not alone. Each approach to parenting — especially in the arena of discipline — claim to have the best method and often flatly refute the views of the other approaches. This drove me crazy, until one day the pieces snapped into place. Children need a variety of forms of nourishment to grow up whole and reach their full potential. Just like the physical body needs a variety of foods to get its complete nutritional requirements, the developing psyche needs a broad palate of interactions for each of its parts to mature into their full potential. I call these interactions relational nourishment and they come in two primary flavors. The yin aspects of relational nourishment are unconditional love and space. In the chinese system, yin energies are receptive, accepting, and allowing. When we unconditionally love our children...
Read moreBeing or Becoming?
“The happier I have allowed myself to be, the happier my children have become. The more I have become myself, the more they have done the same.” William Martin, The Parents Tao Te Ching Should we spend our energy trying to help our children to become more competent, more disciplined, and grow into their full potential? Or should we simply let them be? Let’s start with some fundamental truths: Children are always perfectly themselves. There is no amount of pushing and pulling them towards any future potential that can make them any more themselves than they already are. Children are on a journey towards their full potential. Our kids will be different in significant ways at every epoch of their life, and these differences are what we call development. Parents provide the nourishment for their children’s journey. We have been hired to support our kids and help scaffold their climb toward their full...
Read more3 Levels of Behavioral Control
When children are properly nourished they grow into self-motivated, self-directed beings capable of respectful and responsible behaviors on their own. There is a natural evolution through what is termed behavioral control. And because this natural evolution will allow us to retire from the work of parenting one day, I am suggesting that we Trust the developmental process Focus on providing the 5 Essential Elements of Relational Nourishment Refrain from discipline methods that hamper this natural development Here is a brief summary of the Levels of Behavioral Control: Level 1 — Instincts guided by external parental control A child may want to eat a nickel or run into the street or hit his mommy, but the parent simply corrects the action through their physical power. Level 2 — Superego controls instinctual expressions A child adopts the views and judgments of the parents and carries around with him an internal...
Read moreDiscipline as Brain Food
In the lasts two posts I proposed: Discipline is best thought of as a long term project that results in self-motivated, self-directed kids capable of respectful and responsible behaviors. The development of discipline occurs optimally when we meet our kids needs – physical, relational, and maturational needs. We meet their needs most effectively when we arrange as a loving hierarchy. Why would this be the case? Dr. Nils Bergman’s model of Attachment and brain development The brain grows optimally when the parasympathetic nervous system is turned on. The parasympathetic nervous system is turned on when our needs are met. When we have a belly full of food, when we are feeling safe and cozy in our mother’s arms, and when we know our parents are confidently in the lead and are looking out for our best interests. When a loving alpha meets our needs, we grow and develop most optimally. Part of optimal...
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Chris White, M.D. is a board-certified pediatrician whose parenting work aims to optimize the developmental potential of children and their parents. He regularly writes on 
