Discipline as Brain Food
In the lasts two posts I proposed: Discipline is best thought of as a long term project that results in self-motivated, self-directed kids capable of respectful and responsible behaviors. The development of discipline occurs optimally when we meet our kids needs – physical, relational, and maturational needs. We meet their needs most effectively when we arrange as a loving hierarchy. Why would this be the case? Dr. Nils Bergman’s model of Attachment and brain development The brain grows optimally when the parasympathetic nervous system is turned on. The parasympathetic nervous system is turned on when our needs are met. When we have a belly full of food, when we are feeling safe and cozy in our mother’s arms, and when we know our parents are confidently in the lead and are looking out for our best interests. When a loving alpha meets our needs, we grow and develop most optimally. Part of optimal...
Read moreAttachment is Hierarchical
Discipline — the development of an ordered mind that underlies the capacities of self-motivation, self-direction, responsible action, and respectful interactions (among others) — is a long-term project. It takes many years for the brain to wire up in a complex enough way for our children to be able to Control their impulsive urges Regulate their bodies and emotions Develop present centered-focus to reach a far-off goal Become empathic and compassionate Navigate the tension between being authentic and respectful of others First and foremost, this development requires our kids to be nourished in a loving hierarchy. “Hierarchy” is a dirty word in many attachment parenting circles, so let’s get clear on what we are talking about. The first and most important distinction is that there are natural hierarchies and there are dominance hierarchies. Let’s start with natural hierarchies. Everywhere you look in the...
Read moreIndependence Requires Attachment
Hold your kids so they can fly. Several months ago, I wrote a post re-framing the way we might think about discipline. The short and skinny of that post is this: Real discipline is not merely obtaining short-term compliance out of your kids, but helping them become mature, self-motivated, and self-directed beings who understand the truth of interdependence. These qualities and capacities emerge when the brain is supported in wiring up in the most complex way possible, and in particular, when the pre-frontal cortex develops optimally (the area right between the eyes and behind the forehead). So what promotes optimal brain development and the development of maturity in our kids? More than anything in the world, children need to be deeply attached to their parents to grow into independent, responsible, and mature human beings. When kids feel like they can always count on their mom and dad to protect them, care for them, and...
Read moreTake Crying Seriously; But Not Too Seriously
Let’s be honest—crying is tough on the nervous system. And it is designed to be. When children have an unmet need that is beginning to really cause a disruption in their nervous system, they cry or get really whiney as a direct reaction to the discomfort. The crying then enters us through our senses—mostly through sound, but visually as well if we see their contorted face and the tension in their bodies—and then travels from the sensory areas of our brain, into the limbic system and down into our bodies, all resulting in the feeling of “Something is wrong and we have got to fix it NOW!” Since crying usually is the signaling of a dys-regulated nervous system—usually that some need of the child’s is not yet met—it is important that we pay attention to our instincts and respond by going to the child and begin finding out what is wrong. “A wise mother knows: It is her state of consciousness that...
Read moreA Place to Rest
Boy, do we keep running! The DNA of western culture is laced with anxiety and keeps us in constant motion. Everywhere we look there are subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) messages that “we must never be satisfied with simply keeping up with the Jones’; we must surpass them!” The result is that our nervous systems rarely come to a state of rest and our bodies and minds suffer through a life of chronic stress. Ask yourself, “Is this the life you want for your children?” Here are a few of the physical ailments that are linked to chronic stress: Heart disease Sleep problems Digestive problems Muscle tension, pain, and headaches Depression Obesity Memory impairment Worsening of skin conditions, such as eczema “There is more to life than increasing its speed.” — Mohandas Gandhi And chronic stress affects our mood and behavior in the following ways: Anxiety Restlessness Inattention, lack of...
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Chris White, M.D. is a board-certified pediatrician whose parenting work aims to optimize the developmental potential of children and their parents. He regularly writes on 
