Many approaches to discipline give you tricks and techniques to gain short-term compliance out of your kids, but fail to help them grow into self-motivated, self-directed beings capable of respectful and responsible behaviors when you are not around to badger them.

Here are the four questions you need to ask yourself when evaluating any particular discipline book or technique.

1. How does this approach affect your relationship with your child?
   If your chosen method of discipline ruins your relationship with your child, then what have you gained? First, you will lose all ability to guide them by the time you reach the most difficult years — the teen years. But more importantly than that, I can think of no more painful existence than losing the heart of your son or daughter.
2. How does it impact their desire to become respectful and responsible?
   When children are given the nourishment and guidance they need, they naturally develop into self-motivated, self-directed individuals who want to be respectful and responsible in their actions. Many methods of discipline actually decrease children’s growing desire to to act from our natural well of empathy and kindness.
3. Does the method disrupt the child’s emotional openness?
   We all start off with a relatively open and fluid emotional system that is designed to grow and become more integrated with higher brain centers like the pre-frontal cortex over time. But many approaches aimed at short-term compliance cause our kids to suppress and repress their emotions which diminishes their overall emotional intelligence and capacity for self-regulation.
4. How does it alter their maturation over time?
   Discipline approaches that fail to provide a healthy balance of “the five essential elements of relational nourishment” will end up stunting your child’s growth. Since maturation is the ultimate resolution to all discipline problems, make sure that long-term growth is not sacrificed too often for short-term compliance.

Image created by Dr. Nils Bergman

Take Home: Knowing how a discipline method plays out over the long run empowers you to choose the best approach for your particular child and family. Every child is different. Every parent is different. Each phase of development brings its own unique challenges and opportunities, as does each new moment. By asking the right questions, you will find your way to the right answers.

Try: Develop a “big picture” mindset when it comes to discipline, and keep these long-term goals in mind:

• I want my child to always trust me and for us to remain intimate and emotionally close.
• I want to preserve his/her desire to be respectful and responsible.
• I want to keep his/her heart open and soft, preserving the development of emotional intelligence.
• And I want them to grow into their full-potential.

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He had to say goodbye (again) to his best friend and caregiver, Gina. This young woman has always given him her full and undivided attention and adoration. They laugh and play and cuddle every minute of their five-hour stretches together. If it weren’t for their obvious age difference, you would think they are lovers. And they are.

I have never been so pained by the heartbreak of another person. When my wife relayed the story of their final minutes together and Kai’s sobbing in bed, I instantly teared up and began to double over. I wanted desperately to go home and hold him. But I knew that I would not be able to do much. Heartbreak is a lonely affair, even with loved-ones around.

The thing is that both Kari and I are pleased he wept openly tonight, and cried out loud until the tears stopped on their own. We have come to recognize the difference between defensive “OK-ness” and the healing power of allowing vulnerability. We now know that tears are the mark of health — a taproot into compassion and power — and trust that our son is being worked by the loving hands of God. Still, he is my son and now I am heartbroken.

And now I pray for every one of you to be heartbroken — to live a depth of feeling, of open-heartedness and intimacy such that you feel pained by even a subtle gap in that closeness. I want you to feel so much love in your bones that it hurts just thinking about that person’s leaving you some day. I want your heart to swell with yearning and missing and to tremble in your vulnerability, because this is how you know you are alive — that you are in Love — and I want that for you.

But of course, I am preaching to the choir.

We are parents. And we are all willingly and gratefully heartbroken, over and over and over again.

To my son Kai, who is growing up faster than I can handle,

who is experiencing things that will take decades to digest, 

and who is teaching me the meaning of words like heartbroken, compassion,

and Love.

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]]> http://www.essentialparenting.com/2012/02/05/heartbroken/feed/ 2 http://www.essentialparenting.com/2012/01/26/the-yin-and-yang-of-discipline/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=the-yin-and-yang-of-discipline http://www.essentialparenting.com/2012/01/26/the-yin-and-yang-of-discipline/#comments Fri, 27 Jan 2012 04:55:50 +0000 Chris White http://www.essentialparenting.com/?p=4110 Have you ever felt confused by the seemingly contradictory advice from “parenting experts?”
You are not alone. Each approach to parenting — especially in the arena of discipline — claim to have the best method and often flatly refute the views of the other approaches. This drove me crazy, until one day the pieces snapped into place.

Children need a variety of forms of nourishment to grow up whole and reach their full potential.
Just like the physical body needs a variety of foods to get its complete nutritional requirements, the developing psyche needs a broad palate of interactions for each of its parts to mature into their full potential. I call these interactions relational nourishment and they come in two primary flavors.

The yin aspects of relational nourishment are unconditional love and space.
In the chinese system, yin energies are receptive, accepting, and allowing. When we unconditionally love our children and allow them to be exactly as they are, their nervous systems relax into a parasympathetic state of rest where rejuvenation and growth occur most ease-fully. When they “upshift” and want to try something new — to mix-it-up with the world in some way — allowing them the room they need “waters” their developing sense of autonomy, agency, and feelings of competence. These yin aspects promote resilience through relationship and the natural development of independence.

The yang aspects of relational nourishment are mentorship and healthy boundaries.
Although on the one hand children are perfect exactly as they are, they also have a long way to go in terms of developing the qualities and capacities that lie dormant within their soul’s potential. Children learn from the people they love, so it becomes imperative that we model for them a wide range of desirable behaviors. Showing children how to work with frustration and anger in a constructive manner, being consistently respectful to all living beings, and displaying how the mature amongst us always make amends after a squabble provide “sunlight” for our child’s developing psyche and “scaffolds” it in the direction of emotional health. Setting clear boundaries when something is not healthy for our child — or is disruptive for the family as a whole — is providing essential “nutrients” for their capacities of impulse control and adaptability. These yang aspects also nourish resilience through an emotional “heartiness.”

Mis-takes are also a key ingredient in growing into our full potential.
In secure attachment relationships children experience a mis-attunement every 18 seconds on average, and they survive this just fine. In fact, I would argue they not only survive it, but thrive as a result of. Each moment of mis-attunement in a loving relationship provides the opportunity for children to practice their own capacity for self-regulation for a short period of time until the connection is restored. It is important to do some training in self-regulation at home first, because out in the world the mis-attunements will be more frequent and often occur in circumstances of less support, compassion, and understanding. So allow the messiness of life and relationships to nourish your child in place of stunting them with the anxiety and stress of perfectionism.

Take Home: In order for our kids to develop whole — for all of their dormant qualities and capacities to come into fruition — we need a holistic approach to discipline and parenting. When you begin to understand the yin and yang of discipline,  you will become much more flexible, pragmatic, and relaxed as you continue to guide your kids toward becoming the self-motivated, self-directed young adults capable of responsible actions and respectful interactions.

Try: This week, see if you can track how your intuitive response to situations with your kids naturally oscillates between a variety of approaches. Do you notice that sometimes when your child “acts out,” you simply provide more love and connection as you recognize the source of their frustration? Do you notice that at other times, you give them room to make mistakes and let the consequences of their actions impact them and teach the lesson without your interference? Or at other times do you notice you simply say, “Hey buddy, we don’t yell and scream here. Try it a different way.”  Simply tract what you do instinctively to get a feel for how well you are providing all five forms of relational nourishment.

If you notice that you tend to provide certain aspects easily (say love and space), but have a more difficult time providing others (like boundaries), ask yourself why this might be. Perhaps you don’t see the value in boundaries? Or perhaps you have a “knot” in your psyche that keeps you from interacting in certain ways because of your history? Just explore. No judgment. You will know what to do when the time comes.

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William Martin, The Parents Tao Te Ching

Should we spend our energy trying to help our children to become more competent, more disciplined, and grow into their full potential? Or should we simply let them be?

Let’s start with some fundamental truths:

1. Children are always perfectly themselves.
   There is no amount of pushing and pulling them towards any future potential that can make them any more themselves than they already are.
2. Children are on a journey towards their full potential.
   Our kids will be different in significant ways at every epoch of their life, and these differences are what we call development.
3. Parents provide the nourishment for their children’s journey.
   We have been hired to support our kids and help scaffold their climb toward their full potential.
4. Life unfolds optimally when we are in touch with the core of our Being.
   Children feel better, function better, and mature most ease-fully when they are allowed to be where they are and be who they are. The same is true for parents.

So what should we help our children focus on — Being or Becoming?

The answer, of course, is YES!

“Follow your bliss.”

Joseph Campbell

Let your kids imagination and heart be pulled toward what they love. Follow their direction in this regard. Provide them with opportunities to develop the tools they will need to become fully themselves. Focus, persistence, courage, love of work, and resilience will all be necessary in their long journey toward mastery and the giving of their gifts to this world . And we — the parents — must live our lives as if this is the one life we have got.

“What will our children do in the morning if they do not see us fly?”

Rumi

And at the same time, make sure your kids can frequently rest as themselves.

“Just sit there right now. Don’t do a thing. Just rest.
For your separation from God is the hardest work in the world.”

Hafiz

Help your kids feel,

“No where to get to. No one else to become. This moment, perfectly alive as itself, as me.”

In life, there is no greater contentment than that. Sitting on the couch, my sons little hand resting in mine, breathing together in the spaciousness of Being. I could die complete — right here, right now.

And then he is suddenly off, running towards something he loves.

Try: At some point each day of this week, mentally note which flavor of Life you are currently involved in. Are you totally relaxed into the depths of your Being: open, light, present, and enjoying things as they are? Or are you leaning towards something you love and are engaged in some aspect of your Becoming? Or perhaps you are blessed enough to be experiencing both at the same time?!?

Maybe you are experiencing neither of these. Are you simply lost in tasks, commitments, or relationships that no longer serve you? Maybe you feel your inner compass saying, “This piece of my life no longer serves me and my family.”

It matters not what your experience is, only that you are in touch with it. This mindful attention to the moment sets the stage for both your Being and your Becoming to enter you and unfold gracefully.

So I implore you: Cultivate an open, kind, and gentle attention to whatever is here!

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• Trust the developmental process
• Focus on providing the 5 Essential Elements of Relational Nourishment
• Refrain from discipline methods that hamper this natural development

Here is a brief summary of the Levels of Behavioral Control:

Level 1 — Instincts guided by external parental control

A child may want to eat a nickel or run into the street or hit his mommy, but the parent simply corrects the action through their physical power.

Level 2 — Superego controls instinctual expressions

A child adopts the views and judgments of the parents and carries around with him an internal parental control mechanism that can help guide his behavior when the parents are not around. As he goes to hit the dog, his inner conscience tells him, “That is bad and you may get punished,” and he stops.

Level 3 — The Pearl guides the person towards what is right

At a certain level of development, our actions are guided by an open heart and our felt-sense of right and wrong. This includes knowing how our behavior is likely to impact another person, how it will affect our long-term goals, and our desire to be our best selves in as many moments as possible. The Pearl is our own unique expression of maturity.

When children are bullied or coerced frequently to “get them to behave,” their desire to do the right thing for the right reasons diminishes. If they do the right thing, it will be to avoid punishment or to get a reward. And the good behavior disappears when there is no enforcer around to perpetuate it.

Additionally, being bullied and/or manipulated closes our kids down emotionally leading to

• a loss of the feelings that would generate respectful and responsible behaviors
• a less fulfilling relationship with them
• a slowing of their maturation
• a less harmonious household.

Take Home: There are better ways than bullying or using carrots and sticks to get your kids to behave. We must keep our eye on our long-term goals and become disciplined ourselves if our kids are to grow into self-motivated, self-directed, respectful, and responsible beings. Unless, of course, you want the work part of parenting to last forever.

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Thanks to Gordon Neufeld, Lawrence Kohlberg, and the authors of Self-Determination Theory for sharing their insights on this topic.

Read more about The 5 Essential Elements of Relational Nourishment.

1. Discipline is best thought of as a long term project that results in self-motivated, self-directed kids capable of respectful and responsible behaviors.
2. The development of discipline occurs optimally when we meet our kids needs – physical, relational, and maturational needs.
3. We meet their needs most effectively when we arrange as a loving hierarchy.

Why would this be the case?

Dr. Nils Bergman’s model of Attachment and brain development

The brain grows optimally when the parasympathetic nervous system is turned on.
The parasympathetic nervous system is turned on when our needs are met. When we have a belly full of food, when we are feeling safe and cozy in our mother’s arms, and when we know our parents are confidently in the lead and are looking out for our best interests. When a loving alpha meets our needs, we grow and develop most optimally.

Part of optimal brain growth is to preserve the openness of the emotional system.
Dan Siegel talks about the importance of the brain becoming integrated to preserve mental health, well being, and to reach maturity. The emotional system — located primarily in the limbic brain — is one of the great integrative regions of our nervous system. When we punish, scare, ignore, or shame our kids emotional expressions, defensive processes occur in the mind that begin to limit the integrative capacity of emotion.

True discipline requires an intact emotional system.
There are some versions of disciplining a child that lead to the suppression and repression of their desires and emotions. This pushes these forces into the “shadows” of the psyche where they wreak havoc on our bodies, our minds, and periodically erupt in very inappropriate behaviors. Connecting with kids, validating their feelings and desires, and working with them towards appropriate expressions of those feelings is essential to the development of discipline.

Discipline develops efficiently in letting our kids “do it themselves,” succeed, and fail.
Once the physical and relational needs of our kids are met, their brains will often kick into the drive for autonomy. This maturational need is expressed by them becoming self-motivated and self-directed and often “not wanting our help.” These are times to give the child room to mix it up with life and learn the lessons directly from their successes and their failures. Our loving alpha is expressed as holding ourselves back from trying to prevent all hurts, being available for support if asked, and providing a safe place to cry if that is ultimately needed.

Discipline also requires limits to promote development of the pre-frontal cortex.
As important as it is to recognize and allow space for our kids own desires and emotions to play out, there will also be times when limits are necessary. Healthy limits and guidance are actually nourishment for the developing brain. Sometimes the nourishment exercises the developing “muscle” of the pre-frontal cortex, calling on the development of

• impulse control
• consideration the feelings of other people
• recognition of the impact of our actions
• focus and perseverance toward a long-term goal

Limits also nourish the developing brain by preserving a resilient emotional system.
Plain and simple: limits help us to remain adaptable and resilient. Gordon Neufeld describes the adapative process as the ability to be changed by that which we can not change. When parents set limits in a clear and firm way, the child’s brain can switch out of the more “upshift” mode of trying to effect change in the outer world, into the more “downshift” mode of sinking into vulnerable feelings like disappointment, sadness, and loss. As a loving alpha, we will naturally shift into a “loving arms” mode and become a safe place for them to cry. When you see a child who can go through cycles of vulnerability and emerge out the other side more resilient than before, you can be sure you are looking at a healthy brain.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief… and of unspeakable love.”

Washington Irving

Take Home: Our kids’ brains develop optimally when we take the lead in providing their needs. Sensitive attunement to their shifting needs — for safety, emotional expression, autonomy and competence, and adaptability — is required to provide Life with the necessary nourishment to do its job: growing our kids up into self-motivated, self-directed, respectful and responsible beings.

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• Control their impulsive urges
• Regulate their bodies and emotions
• Develop present centered-focus to reach a far-off goal
• Become empathic and compassionate
• Navigate the tension between being authentic and respectful of others

First and foremost, this development requires our kids to be nourished in a loving hierarchy.

“Hierarchy” is a dirty word in many attachment parenting circles, so let’s get clear on what we are talking about. The first and most important distinction is that there are natural hierarchies and there are dominance hierarchies. Let’s start with natural hierarchies.

Everywhere you look in the social mammalian world you will see cubs, pups, and kids arranged in a hierarchical relationship with their mother. The momma bear is in the alpha position which means that she is responsible for protecting, caring for, and guiding her cubs into maturity. The cubs are attached in the dependent mode: they accept the protection, care, and guidance of their mother until they reach maturity. Try to reverse this natural order and you have a mess on your hands.

Human children have the same attachment brain — located in the limbic system — as all other social mammals. The attachment brain has two modes in it,  the alpha mode and the dependent mode. This part of our brain always wants to know, “Which position am I in with this person.” Remember Lord of the Flies? Remove the adults and kids will instinctively move into hierarchical relationships because that is how the attachment brain works.

Democracy is a later development of the brain, and only develops properly after a child’s dependency needs are met first. The capacity to be democratic in our thinking and interactions is one of the hallmarks of maturity and requires that our pre-frontal cortex develop over many years to support these capacities. But paradoxically, the pre-frontal cortex does not develop optimally unless the child can safely attach in the dependent mode with a loving caregiver. The roots of a loving hierarchy must be cultivated first before the fruits of democracy will emerge.

Usually, it is the word “alpha” that turns us off. We have all witnessed such atrocious abuses at the hands of an “alpha” that we want nothing to do with hierarchy. But abuse is indicative of a dominance hierarchy and represents a distortion of the natural alpha instinct. Instead of protecting, caring for, and guiding the dependent member, a person in the alpha position who has become hardened and/or remains immature will use and abuse the dependent member for his/her own purposes. This distortion is what we all fear and the reason that some of us believe that hierarchy should have no place in our home.

“Do not doubt your own basic goodness.  In spite of all confusion and fear, you are born with a heart that knows what is just, loving, and beautiful.”

                                   Jack Kornfield, The Art of Forgiveness, Loving Kindness, and Peace

Why is it important to bring hierarchy into the discussion?

If you want your children to

• Grow into their full potential
• Retain a soft heart capable of deep intimacy, empathy, and compassion
• Become resilient in the face of adversity
• Benefit from your experience and loving guidance
• Develop beyond narcissism into the truth of interdependence
• Remain sweet, endearing, and a joy to be around

then a loving hierarchical relationship is necessary.

Next week we will discuss the details of why this natural arrangement is so important for the developing brain and necessary for your kids to grow into respectful, responsible, and authentic beings.

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And read last weeks post — Independence Requires Attachment

Many thanks to Gordon Neufeld for the insights shared in this and many other posts. His work will confirm your deepest intuitions. Check out his courses and videos.

Several months ago, I wrote a post re-framing the way we might think about discipline. The short and skinny of that post is this:

Real discipline is not merely obtaining short-term compliance out of your kids, but helping them become mature, self-motivated, and self-directed beings who understand the truth of interdependence. These qualities and capacities emerge when the brain is supported in wiring up in the most complex way possible, and in particular, when the pre-frontal cortex develops optimally (the area right between the eyes and behind the forehead).

So what promotes optimal brain development and the development of maturity in our kids?

More than anything in the world, children need to be deeply attached to their parents to grow into independent, responsible, and mature human beings. When kids feel like they can always count on their mom and dad to protect them, care for them, and guide them when the going gets too tough for them to manage on their own, their nervous systems become deeply relaxed and growth unfolds optimally out of this state of rest. This is absolutely counter to so much parenting advice given today. Our culture is one where independence is the primary goal and  there is no time to waste — we must have it NOW! The result is a culture that pushes and pulls kids towards becoming independent while creating the exact opposite results.

What would you do to help a plant grow up and flower? You nestle that seed in the earth, cover it with rich soil and water, and focus on the roots that will ultimately support that plant. Without a strong connection to the earth that plant will not develop the resilience it will need to get it through tough times. When the shoots first begin poking their heads out of the ground, you don’t immediately grab them and start pulling on them to get them to grow up faster; you continue to simply provide nourishment to the plant and let Life do its thing. It will take many seasons for it to reach maturity, flower, and bear fruit. But as a loving gardener, you will enjoy that growth every step of the way and share the sweet fruit of maturity when it comes. We could really help our kids develop into mature, independent, and responsible beings by following much the same approach.

Children have a hierarchy of needs. First and foremost they have a need to become deeply connected to the people who will be caring for them. This basic need for attachment is found in all social mammals and grounded in the functioning of the limbic system of the brain. It is the preeminent drive in the human psyche because it is through our attachment figures that we get our needs — like food, water, warmth, and protection — met as young infants and children. When our needs are met, our nervous system relaxes, functions optimally, and develops toward maturity most ease-fully. This is the primary reason our kids need to feel deeply attached to us.

After connection, kids upshift into autonomy. When our kids are satiated — both their physical hunger and their appetite for connection — their brains then switch gears and turn on the maturational drive. From our loving and restful arms where they are invited to depend on us for anything they might need, they inevitably push away from us with emergent energy and begin to want to “do it myself!” Autonomy, independence, and a desire for competence are natural drives in the human psyche and do not need to be pushed or prodded. In fact, research has shown that the more we try to push these qualities out of our children, the slower they come. The key is that our children’s physical and attachment needs have to be met before their maturational drive will engage.

Take Home: The approach of Loving Discipline is to start with the most basic and fundamental human need of all: the need for children to be deeply attached and able to depend on the loving adults in their lives. Once fully fed, our children’s natural drive to learn, to practice, to get along, and to mature will kick into gear and the first (and most important) part of our work will be done.

Next week we will explore a fundamental aspect of the parent-child relationship that is often missing from the conversation: Attachment is hierarchical.

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Read a previous post on Discipline.

Thanks to Gordon Neufeld for his clear an powerful articulations on attachment and human maturation.

When children have an unmet need that is beginning to really cause a disruption in their nervous system, they cry or get really whiney as a direct reaction to the discomfort. The crying then enters us through our senses—mostly through sound, but visually as well if we see their contorted face and the tension in their bodies—and then travels from the sensory areas of our brain, into the limbic system and down into our bodies, all resulting in the feeling of “Something is wrong and we have got to fix it NOW!”

Since crying usually is the signaling of a dys-regulated nervous system—usually that some need of the child’s is not yet met—it is important that we pay attention to our instincts and respond by going to the child and begin finding out what is wrong.

“A wise mother knows:  It is her state of consciousness that matters most.” — Vimala McClure, The Tao of Motherhood

Whether the crying is coming from your infant who is hungry, or maybe is colicky and needing to release the tension accumulated from the day; in either case, go to him. Perhaps it is coming from your clingy toddler who is in her rapprochement phase of development—pushing hard for independence in some moments, but seemingly terrified of you leaving the room in others. Still, when she lets out those blood curdling screams that seem so dramatic when you are “just going down stairs,” respond to her anyways. Her fear is real. Or maybe your five year-old just took a spill on his bike in the driveway and is starting to ball. You saw the whole thing and know he is not gravely injured, but go to him anyways. He may need you close by to help move ease-fully through these tears and digest the shock of the bike crash.

In each of these cases, your child’s nervous system is doing what it is designed to do: make distress calls to the caretakers when they feel they need some help. And it is important to take these distress calls seriously by finding out what they need.

But don’t take crying too seriously.

Many times I see parents become dys-regulated themselves whenever their child cries. They come running in yelling, “What’s wrong?!?!” and find that the child was simply frustrated because he was unable to get a toy to work right, was a little overtired, and the frustration bubbled over into tears. The dys-regulated mother may then get pissy with her son and say, “Jesus! What are you having a hissy-fit for over something so small?! Pull yourself together!”

And of course, what great advice for both child and mother!

“The greatest gift you can give someone is to get yourself together.” — Wendy Palmer, The Intuitive Body

Even in a situation like this, where the child’s crying may be deemed to be over something relatively minor, they still need help with comforting and with being brought back to a state of better regulation. More frustration and anger are not going to help.  Discharging your own dys-regulated emotions will only add to the child’s sense of frustration and lack of support.

In other situations, I have seen parents go running to their kids whenever they cry as if trauma is about to ice over their nervous systems forever! They explode onto the scene with an intense anxious fretting and nervous dancing around trying to make everything perfect so the child won’t experience any discomfort. These parents seem to be afraid of tears and will do anything to keep their child’ state “sunny and 75 degrees” at all cost. Their anxiety is in itself somewhat dys-regulating, and the child gets the unspoken message that “they are fragile, can’t handle the bumps and bruises of life, and will always need mommy nearby to make things right.” These kids grow up believing that they are made of glass.

So as a parent, do your best to “get yourself together” before dumping your own anxieties or frustrations on your kids. Try to understand your own histories around crying and other states of dys-regulation like frustration, anger, or an intense compulsion to “make everything go right.” Inquire into why your particular nervous system reacts the way it does. Most likely, it formed this way in an attempt to protect you from a lack of attunement you experienced as a child. Have compassion for yourself. We are all still children in so many ways.
 

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But if you are one of those moms or dads that get intensely activated by hearing your child cry (I know I still do from time to time, especially if I am awoken from sleep!), there are some things you can do to help soothe your limbic reactivity.

Here are a few things to remember the next time you hear your child cry:

1. Crying is a communication of need; rarely is it anything serious.
2. Crying is also, oftentimes, the intelligent response of the nervous system when tension needs to be released. The movement of tears and sobbing are ways the body cleanses itself of toxicity and potentially “frozen memories” that might otherwise get stored as trauma.
3. Whatever the cause of the crying, you will be of sounder mind and more spacious heart if you begin “getting yourself together” as you move towards your child.

Here are a few things you can try to help “get yourself together” the next time your child’s crying revs up your nervous system:

1. Even as you reflexively get up to go to your child, mentally note the intensity that is now a part of your body and mind. Feel the electricity or warmth or tension in your body as you continue to move to your child’s side for support, and remind yourself that this is how the body is supposed to react.
2. Grounding down is a great way to smooth out the intensity and stay level-headed as you move to help your distressed child. Take a deep inhale into the belly, and then as you exhale imagine the breath going down from your belly, through your pelvis and legs, and exiting down into the earth. Make the exhale as long as possible (as this activates the calming parasympathetic nervous system) and release it through an open mouth with a little “Haaaaaaaa” sound from the back of the throat. This will leave you in a clearer state of mind and feeling more “warrior-like” to meet whatever challenge presents itself.
3. Even as you arrive to find out that nothing too serious is wrong — that no major fire needs extinguishing — take your child up in your arms and begin breathing deeply as you hold them. Again, try to gently emphasize the exhale as this is very calming — to both your system as well as to your child’s. And as you are holding them, let the exhale and your awareness dissolve outwards in all directions, creating a feeling of vast space for this difficulty to be held in. In my experience, all difficult feelings run their course more quickly and gracefully when I give the difficulty room to breath and allow Kai to be exactly where he is at emotionally and allow his nervous system to heal itself in its own way, and in its own timing. Get spacious and trust the process.
4. And as you hold them, you will probably feel the natural response of your heart — its kindness and sensitivity and compassion — flow from you into all pain and suffering: your child’s and your own. There is no need to work hard to make everything all right; no need to fret and try to placate or distract them from the tears. Just stay grounded, stay spacious, and let the natural kindness of the heart pour from you effortlessly.

Take Home: Crying is usually a signal of some unmet need, and therefore deserves to be taken seriously and responded to. But if we allow the fear-based part of our nervous system to spread a wild-fire within us, we won’t be able to respond in the most effective, loving, and spacious way possible. Develop a basic trust in the nervous system and its cycles of tears. Your openness and confidence will help your children mature into healthy, vibrant, and courageous beings.

Try: Over the next two weeks, pick one of the suggestions above to work with when your child cries. You might start with simply becoming aware of how your body feels when you hear your child cry. Once awareness is established and becomes second nature to you, you might try adding “grounding down” or “getting spacious.” Or if you often feel you need to distract your child from their tears — to give them something else to focus on like a treat — consider not doing that and instead simply give them room to have their tears in your loving arms. Your quiet confidence will ignite and support their innate capacity for resilience.

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]]> http://www.essentialparenting.com/2011/07/15/take-crying-seriously-but-not-too-seriously/feed/ 1 http://www.essentialparenting.com/2011/06/30/a-place-to-rest/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=a-place-to-rest http://www.essentialparenting.com/2011/06/30/a-place-to-rest/#comments Thu, 30 Jun 2011 21:56:37 +0000 Chris White http://blog.essentialparenting.com/?p=2724 Boy, do we keep running!

The DNA of western culture is laced with anxiety and keeps us in constant motion. Everywhere we look there are subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) messages that “we must never be satisfied with simply keeping up with the Jones’; we must surpass them!” The result is that our nervous systems rarely come to a state of rest and our bodies and minds suffer through a life of chronic stress.

Ask yourself, “Is this the life you want for your children?”

Here are a few of the physical ailments that are linked to chronic stress:

• Heart disease
• Sleep problems
• Digestive problems
• Muscle tension, pain, and headaches
• Depression
• Obesity
• Memory impairment
• Worsening of skin conditions, such as eczema

“There is more to life than increasing its speed.” — Mohandas Gandhi

And chronic stress affects our mood and behavior in the following ways:

• Anxiety
• Restlessness
• Inattention, lack of focus
• Irritability and aggression
• Sadness, depression, and lack of motivation
• Overeating or undereating
• Smoking, drug, and alcohol abuse

“We are the most in-debt, obese, addicted, and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history.” — Brene’ Brown

Now it is unlikely that we can stop the momentum of an entire culture any time soon, so

What can you do to save your kids from getting too stressed-out?

The most important thing you can do is to help bring your child’s nervous system to states of rest as much as possible at home. What we are going for here is to find ways to help turn on your child’s parasympathetic nervous system — the system associated with growth, health and healing, and human intimacy — and turn off your child’s sympathetic nervous system — the system that associated with our more revved-up states, fight-or-flight behaviors, and the list of symptoms and ailments listed above when chronic. Here are a few ideas to help everyone in your family experience more rest:

1. Try to start the day slowly. Cuddle for a little while before getting up. Talk about “the pictures in your sleep.” Share those sweet moments of deep intimacy before everyone gets busy and distracted going about their day. Connecting like this in the morning is very nourishing to our bodies, brains, and hearts.
2. Create structures that help everyone relax. When the family has regular routines everyone can relax into those supportive structures. Children can especially get anxious when they do not know what to expect, so structures such as the wake-up routine, breakfast, mid-afternoon down-time, sit down meals, and the bedtime bath and story can actually make it easier for everyone to relax into the flow.
3. Keep your child’s connection fire stoked. We all have needs to feel connected to our loved ones, but this is especially true for children. If they feel that they always have to work for our attention — to always be doing some trick and yelling “Dad, watch me….Watch this….Hey dad!!!” — then their sympathetic nervous systems will be turned on more often than not trying to get their needs for connection met. When instead we let them know on a regular basis — through deed, action, and body language more than words — that we are “with” them, that they are in our hearts and on our minds, and that they delight us, this will switch their brains from the “work mode” of seeking attention and connection, into the “rest mode” of relaxation, openness, and satiation.
4. Try to minimize the noise and screen-glow in the house. Many times we just leave the radio or TV on in the background when we are not really intentionally listening to, or watching a program. We often don’t recognize that our nervous systems have to work to tune out this extra noise and this keeps us in a more revved up state. More quiet time in the house can be very relaxing, as can going outside in nature everyday. The soothing rhythms of the natural world can really bring us back down to earth and help us hit that “reset button.”
5. Give your children a safe place to cry. Crying is a common and natural way that the human brain and body releases tension. This is most evident in infants (who cry an average of 1-3 hours per day in the first 3 months of life), but it can continue to be an effective way to discharge tension and process traumatic events later on in life as well. There are so many forces that implicitly or explicitly teach children not to cry that most kids become fairly defended against this natural and healthy expression by the time they reach grade school. “Locking-up our tears” contributes to states of chronic stress and stores the hurts and traumas in our bodies. Having a good cry in the arms of a loved one can be so cleansing, and is one way our parasympathetic nervous system re-integrates and re-invigorates us after a difficult emotional event.
6. Make some time to meditate or do yoga every day. Our state of consciousness affects the states of our beloved children and partners. By us making a little space every day — especially in the morning to set the tone for the day — we are intentionally cultivating a restful and relaxed mind, brain, and body. Meditation has been shown to strengthen our Pre-frontal cortex activity while also increasing parasympathetic tone. Yoga, especially when it involves deep breathing, also increases parasympathetic activity and tempers our response to stress.

So there you have a few suggestions for how to create a more relaxed, harmonious, and healthy household for you and your loved ones. The effect of living a more restful life can not be over-stated. And this is especially true for our children as their brains, nervous systems, and bodies are still heavily under construction.

Take Home: Chronic stress is unhealthy for the human body and uses up energy that could otherwise be used in more enjoyable and constructive ways. Kids feel better, function better, and will mature more ease-fully when they experience states of rest. Do your best to protect them from over-stimulation and turn your home into a safe and nourishing refuge where they can remove their battle-worn armor.

Please share with us the ways that you help your own families rest into deeper intimacy and sweetness.

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Read more about the importance of a healthy Pre-frontal cortex.

Read more about the Autonomic Nervous System.